This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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