rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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