I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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