I just pynch a tree in the face
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
