i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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