I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize