Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
