How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
