when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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