i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
