Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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