I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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