Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
