My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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