I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
