Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
