I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
