k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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