Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
