oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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