I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
