I like my sex mixed with concussions.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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