why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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