my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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