I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
