She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The beers last night were like the tears from god
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
