it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
