Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Randomize