i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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