Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
