I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
