All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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