Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
