he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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