Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
