i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
