i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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