Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
