idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
