my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
