His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
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