so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just found puke in my bra..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
