No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
