Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
