It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
