how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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