I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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