My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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