it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
