Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
