she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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