You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
