so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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