i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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