So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
