Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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