billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
